so shit has been going I've been trying upload art ever day but I have shit going on right now. So I must say a lot of people on da and other people have been living me so, this has been getting to me or just stop talking to me.so now I've just stopped talking to a lot of people, but its like I get to sad to talk to anyone now. I mean people I ,mean very close people that I call my brother only one right now Is talking to me, he'll stay up making sure I'm okay and helping me with my problems and he fucking understand how I feel he doesn't stop talking to me because of this that makes things worse then what it is. trust me when I say that because then that makes me feel you don't even wont me around so, when ever I talk to them or that person I don't really talk because I feel if I get to close I'll get hurt again and I don't need that pain on me anymore. I've already having people telling me I should go end it and I fucking blow up on them. I've notice that now I've been keeping things to myself because I don't want to get close to anyone. I mean I just lock all this shit up in me again and again ever day and I've stop caring about everything.so when ever some "friends" are talking to me saying why did you do it and shit the only thing they do is be pissed off and leave and I know I don't need anyone like that so right now I've down to 3 to 4 friends of mine that acutely care and won't leave wont get pissed off at me for cutting they'll stay there and help. They won't get up and fucking leave me like everyone leas. mean now vie been having more anxiety attacks but there not the say the last for and hour or more and my panic attacks fucking last for hours now I'll lay in bed and just fucking hold my chest hoping death will take me at that moment. I've been hoping death will fucking take me ever nigh now. Any time I see that counselor at school she fucking watches me anytime I'm out there she knows all my classes and all the shit I do she'll fucking walk over to me that's when I run off to my class or I'll be in the hallway alone walking to the bathroom and shell fucking try to talk to me she tried to touch me that's the day I hade a really bad anxiety attack god that lasted all period. she's all over the place she's everywhere at all times she fucking knows me I know she dose she fucking knows I still cute the scares on my arm opened up and the scares are more noticeable. Anytime I'll see her at lunch I'll run off to the bathroom and hide in there. Things have gotten wore and everyone's like will this is all your fault.Now I feel like there's no point of staying clean because I ended cutting myself again but this time I ended up covering my thigh in cuts. When I mean covered I did but I lost all control over my self that morning when I did it I was fucking done. I've just about had I with everyone I mean I have teachers at school fucking harassing me everyday. There always all around me fucking giving me look because of that counselor. The one that ran off and told all the staff she's the one that's been staying shit to all the teachers, so all the teachers that didn't know about me cutting know now and they fucking treated me like shit as if I shouldn't be there. There's only two teachers that understand, one of them she use to cute her self so she understand a lot of it and the other one use to drink at my age and she also understands. The both know when something is wrong with me they'll give me and hug and tell me its okay. All the teachers I have ever meat would never do such a thing but the both of them are way different. Oh and I forgot to tell you guys I've been throwing up my food now all the time. I can't help it. each time I see my self in the mirror I throw up everything I eat I can't how I look god I'm so fucking fat. You know what my mom said don't fucking star all you want is action quiet it I don't want someone talking like your father. See I know now that my father would say things like what I say and my mom just don't want to help me. I'll straight up tell how much I want death to take me but she gets pissed and says its all just in my head. Anytime I say one bad thing about myself my mom or someone has to tell me I'm fucking stupid for thinking like this i mean I think like that because of them family and other people.my dad oh god just loves to fucking fuck with me making jokes about self harm, suicide and how fat I am.hell sit there and tell me shit about how I am and how I'll get kicked out of the house. You know what I just pack a bag and tell them I'm leaving my mom just hugs me telling me he didn't mean it don't go and my dad just stands there he never says his sorry about anything he's just like fuck you, I could give a shitless if you leave that means I don't have to spend anything on you, you fucking fat ass.so my dad always just says shit ,he even told me to go jump off a building if I wasn't even happy about anything. If I cut and he sees them he just like what the fuck whore. they'll leave me at home for hours not really caring. God you don't understand how many times I've walked in to there room and looked at all the pills they have. God did I want to take the hole bottle and just fucking die I want to lay on the bathroom floor and just fucking bleed out .I would love to see what my family would say, I bet they would al lie and be like oh she was such a great jkejgergoeugfieg .I'm fucking done with this shit, im tired of trying to make them happy. Its so fucking funny when my parents all this week were like wow she's been nice to me she's doing all of this shit for us they don't know once I enter my room I'll lay in bleed crying breaking down covering my mouth making sure they don't hear a lot of nights I don't even get sleep. I'll lay there just thinking about everything. I just don't know what to do.if you guys want I'll show you my thigh. oh I forgot to tell you guys, right now he only thing that is keeping me happy is this little comic book shop that I always go to, i put my art in there you guys don't understand how much that makes me smile. They always make me feel welcome they never assholes they really sweet and caring people. They always talk to me and everything I'm just sacred they'll see me, the really me the one I hide from everyone I don't want them to see that and treat me different then what they do now. I'm scared if I tell them I'm shit they'll just leave.